WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW

I haven't written all the posts that I want to about my experience but the following is a summary of where I am right now.

I went to see the endocrinologist, Dr. Jennings, recently. Basically he just took blood and asked me how I was doing. Of course I knew he was going to ask me this so on the very long trip down there I thought about that question. I do have a problem saying to him "I'm feeling much better" since I think saying that was one of my big problems with my last endocrinologist. She would only hear that part, not the part that I was still not feeling 100%. She would just assume that I was on the right path and that she could send me off and see me in 6 or 9 months. Also, the way things go for me I can be feeling pretty good and then suddenly be thrown into another round of migraines and feeling lousy.

So as I thought about it I realized just how much better I feel. I thought about my first visit to him at the beginning of June and how badly I was feeling then. I thought about how I had to have Tom drive me because I knew that I would not be able to do it on my own. I remember that I was very overwhelmed and had that whacked out feeling that I can only try to describe to you. Its sort of like I'm on some sort of drug or something. I can remember leaving that visit and walking out into the streets of Philadelphia and being in a complete fog. At that visit I had been so overwhelmed that I almost passed out when he took my blood - I have that tendency but now have it under control because I know all I have to do is look away and it doesn't bother me a bit (except that day). I thought I was babbling but Tom said I wasn't. My mental functioning was just so far gone that I had just stopped doing anything complicated.

Back then, anything would overwhelm me. I remember I avoided anything upsetting because I knew my body could not physically handle it. I had decided that I wanted to go back to work when Sarah entered high school and realized that I would not be able to handle that in my current state. The thought of a job interview was petrifying. I couldn't even handle a visit to the mall sometimes. When I was visiting my brother in Georgia we went to the zoo. I almost couldn't make it - as we were walking in I started to feel weird and thought I would get a migraine. I went back to the van, let my body calm down and went in anyways.

I was huffing and puffing so much that I couldn't go up the stairs in our house even one time without being out of breath. I remember once I walked up and tried to talk to Sarah at the top and had to wait because I couldn't speak...that's pretty bad. Obviously, physical activity was out of the question.

There are many little things that have gotten better as well. The computer screen has not been flickering for about a month now (only flickered for me...I've asked others "is it flickering"). Another thing: I'm not sure what they are called but when you stare at something for a long time and then look away a rough outline/image seems to linger in your vision. That would happen to me after looking at things for a couple of seconds. At my worst I could visually drag a "ghost" of something away from it. It's is much better but not 100%. Back then I seemed to have so many weird things like that happening to me that I couldn't even tell the doctors all the things without sounding crazy or taking up hours of their time.

November of 2005 was probably the last time I felt normal.

So I decided to tell the doctor how I'm looking at things in the big picture. I've been going to him for about 8 months and over that time I am much better but the progress is slow going. I told him that I'm in the phase where I realize I am better but extremely leery that I could get worse again. I told him back in June I was looking for a magic pill that would make me better in 2 weeks. Now I am realizing that its not just one thing that is making me better. It's all the things I'm doing. its switching to Armour Thyroid, taking the iron and taking the migraine medication. He said, even if you find a magic pill in endocrinology, it takes weeks to work. He did not throw me out into the world and deem me cured. He wants to see me in 4 months which is good. My old doctor would have probably said 9 months. I was constantly calling her to move my appointments up and ended up seeing her every two months - still without ever really getting better.

So as I was leaving he said "it was good to see you". To which I answered "it was good to see YOU". To which he answered "Its good to see you feeling so much better!" I started to feel like we were going back and forth with "I love you"..."I love you more!"...."No, I love YOU more!" HA HA HA!! Seriously, I do really like him. It has taken me awhile to really feel good about him just because I am now so jaded and cynical. He's just such a calming kind of guy. He never acts rushed like he's behind schedule and trying to get on to the next patient. He acts like you are the only patient he needs to see that day. At the end he walks you out and actually makes your next appointment himself. This takes only a minute but you just don't see doctors doing that. Most importantly, he's making me better and he cares about making me better.

So since I am feeling better and better I am able to look at things differently. I've decided to embrace the fact that today I feel pretty good and I'm trying not to worry about how I'll feel tomorrow. Now I sound like an alcoholic on the 12 step program. One Day At A Time. I told the doctor that my plan is to see if I go a couple months without migraines and slowly start to add in physical activity. I will probably start to walk a bit even now. At least that way I won't be starting at zero. I've done a couple physical things - hiking while geocaching and shoveling snow off the lake while ice skating. I did not get a migraine either time so that made me hopeful.

So that is where I am at right now. More hopeful than I've been in a long time. However, I'm still not sure if I will ever be physically back to what I was in 2005. I'm not that hopeful but still emotionally feeling pretty good.